I always thought I was an even tempered easy going person. I was raised by a mother who had extreme mood swings, even what I would consider bipolar mood swings. She also was on a lot of medications, some maybe she needed, but some by choice, that altered her brain chemistry enough to make her moods erratic and unpredictable. At times it was scary. I remember her pulling me by my hair down the hallway. I don’t remember the situation, I don’t remember what I did to deserve that, all I remember is the anger in her eyes and the fear.

I was on birth control most of my adult life and in between kids, but as a teenager I suffered from severe cramps from pms and sometimes I’d have to miss school on the first day of my period because I just felt so horrible. I stopped being on birth control about a year ago because the Melasma on my face (caused by birth control pills) got so bad that it was embarressing to be without make-up at all. I had so many dark spots on my face, I was so self conscious and caked on as much make-up daily as I could. I didnt’ feel pretty. Finally I took a chance and tried a drug called Transemic Acid that slowly makes the dark spots go away, but to be on it, you can no longer be on birth control.

When I stopped the birth control pills, I started suffering again from severe PMS. Mike and I started fighting more, pretty much monthly. The last two times we had a big fight, it was a few days before my period was about to start. I get these feelings of hopelessness, I get really irritable, and I get angry really easily. On Sunday, we started arguing about something that happened in the past that I thought I was totally over and had moved on from but I guess not, Mike dropped the kids off in front of Costco, but kept me in the car to talk to me about how I shouldn’t correct him in front of the boys and then I just went off on him, I screamed at him and jumped out of a moving vehicle.

I wasn’t injured, just my heart hurt deeply. I was so angry and really felt like my anger was valid and that I had a right to be the way I was being.

However an hour or so later when I tried to talk to my husband again about why I was angry he said something that made me really think about the origin of what had happened…which really was insignificant and would have been no logical reason for me to get so upset. It was something I should have just brushed off, but I turned it into such a big thing for no reason!

I have done this numerous times in my life, all in the moment I feel my anger is valid, then after I settle down, I see the reality of my inability to control my emotions. I seem to be able to control my emotions fine around strangers and in the work place, but with people I love, I can’t control it.

This morning, just two days later, I started my period. I started not feeling great last night started getting cramps when I went to bed, but I thought it was because I was hungry because I’ve been fasting, but it turned out to be my period and the cramps felt so severe as if I were back in high school again. That’s when it hit me that maybe my extreme mood swing was because of PMS. I started doing some research to learn that there’s a condition called PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

It’s a real thing apparently.

PMDD is a condition similar to PMS that also happens in the week or two before your period starts as hormone levels begin to fall after ovulation. PMDD causes more severe symptoms than PMS, including severe depression, irritability, and tension, sometimes suicidal thoughts.
Symptoms of PMDD start during the week before menstruation and end within a few days after your period starts. These symptoms disrupt daily living tasks. Symptoms of PMDD are so severe that people have trouble functioning at home, at work, and in relationships during this time. This is markedly different than other times during the month.
The following are common symptoms of PMDD:
- Depressed mood, sadness, hopelessness, or feelings of worthlessness
- Increased anxiety, tension, or the feeling of being on edge all the time
- Mood swings
- Self-critical thoughts, increased sensitivity to rejection
- Frequent or sudden tearfulness
- Increased irritability, anger, or both
- Conflict with family, coworkers, or friends
- Decreased interest in normal activities
- Concentration problems
- Fatigue, lethargy, or lack of energy
- Changes in appetite, such as binge eating, overeating, or craving certain foods
- Changes in sleep pattern, such as excessive sleeping or difficulty sleeping
- Feelings of being overwhelmed or out of control
- Physical symptoms, such as breast swelling or tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle aches, weight gain, and bloating
The symptoms of PMDD may look like other health conditions, such as a thyroid condition, depression, or an anxiety disorder. Always see a healthcare provider for a diagnosis.
- Stress management, such as relaxation and meditation methods
- Vitamin supplements, such as vitamin B-6, calcium, and magnesium
- Anti-inflammatory medicines
- Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors
- Birth control pills
For some people, the severity of symptoms increases over time and lasts until menopause. For this reason, a person may need treatment for an extended time. Medicine dosage may change throughout the course of treatment.

I’ve been so against anything that alters a person’s brain chemistry because I feel that a person can have an altered sense of reality about situations while being on drugs like that….but I’m now at the point that I believe my brain chemistry or hormones are so messed up, that I need to be on something that regulates my feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, depression and anger. I need to do it to help improve my relationships, because if I don’t, I’ll lose everyone I love…

I need help.

Lord, I thank you for second chances. I thank you for modern medicine that can help people with conditions like this one. I take accountability for the damage I’ve caused in my relationships. Lord even when someone has a condition that makes them more susceptible to things like alcoholism or drug abuse, a person is always responsible for their actions and need to take the proper steps to control their behavior. It doesn’t become an excuse to hurt others. Lord help me to see what is happening to me before it happens and fix it in the moment. Lord help me! Now that know what might be the cause, help me to improve on my way of being, that I can be aware of when I might be having an episode and to take all the necessary means to avoid hurting anyone I love or hurting myself.

I don’t want to live this way anymore, I will do anything to not be this way. I love my family. Help me to deal with past trauma in a way that will help me to have genuine relationships now. I really truly don’t have many friends and I do it as a personal choice so I don’t get hurt anymore, or hurt others.

There’s something wrong with me

What is PMDD?

What are the symptoms of PMDD?

What helps PMDD?

The Chosen